The words felt like a punch in the throat. I thought I had sat down for a peaceful, guided meditation but ended up sobbing for half an hour.
Did my tears symbolize a release, the thought that I could finally forgive myself? No, the cry came out of deep rooted terror. I wanted far away from the concept of self forgiveness.
The notion of forgiving myself scared me so much because I thought implicating myself in abuse I had received would somehow protect me. If I forgave myself, I might let the same things happen again.
The Real Problem / Solution
With years of work in therapy I have made a lot of progress toward self forgiveness. (Have I blogged about my love for therapy? I’ll be sure to do that soon.)
I know now that being abused has never been about me letting things happen because victims don’t choose to be abused. Abusers choose to abuse.
My responsibility to myself is recognition of a bad situation if I’m in one and leaving it safely. I do that by making the best decisions I can with the information I have at the time.
Being a victim wasn't my transgression, blaming myself was.
Step By Step
This self-forgiveness journey isn’t over, but I can’t only think of the work I have left to do. Progress along the way needs recognition, so discouragement doesn’t take over from only seeing what is wrong with a situation.
I encourage you to share your progress in the comments below. Whether in self forgiveness or another area, I want to hear it.
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‘Til next week,
Rebecca encourages survivors of domestic to speak about their experiences and to lean on each other for support.